i don’t ever wish i was dead, just sometimes i wish i didn’t exist
i’m ok with the fact that i like myself better in my head
today is one of those days where everything hurts
i’m sitting in the dark but the moon is right above my skylight and i can’t sleep. my legs are all goosepimply even though it’s really hot
i messed up again tonight but it’s probably for the better anyways
when you’re tired after spending time with people, is that depression or just being an introvert?
i’m ISTJ but i always forget
books i want to read this summer
- the sandman by neil gaiman
- from hell by alan moore
- the saga of the swamp thing by alan moore
- the color out of space selected by d thin
- the best of h.p. lovecraft introduction by robert bloch
- dreamtigers by jorge luis borges
- the abortion: a historical romance by richard brautigan
- galapagos by kurt vonnegut
- hocus pocus by kurt vonnegut
- kornwolf by tristan egolf
- trainspotting by irvine welsh
- the thought gang by tibor fischer
- i like being killed by tibor fischer
- paradise lost by john milton
- nothing in this book is true, but it’s exactly how things are: the esoteric meaning of the monuments on mars by bob frissell
- gravity’s rainbow by thomas pynchon
- the wind-up bird chronicle by haruki murakami
-almost transparent blue by ryu murakami
- l’etranger by albert camus
i borrowed ” the varieties of religious experience: a study in human nature ” by william james from the library so it’s on my mind. the first lecture is about religion and neuroses it’s interesting.
i also got “authentic knowing: the convergence of science and spiritual aspiration ” by imants baruss. i kind of want to read the new testament this summer but i don’t know where to start. christinaity doesn’t have something equivalent to the talmud i don’t think
adele and i were talking about religion vs spirituality last night while we were falling asleep. i like the idea of religion even though i feel like a lot of it is impersonal and doesn’t necessarily have a deeper connection to the human condition. but i like sort of the layers of reality that are created by different beliefs
i am venturing into unknown ideaspace
i have lots to think about right now but i’m not sure how to write it down. i hate that, when your thoughts don’t really translate into words
i continually astound myself with the ability to make the WORST DECISIONS EVER
i hate the days when my mind doesn’t work
last night i had this dream where everyone i know was standing in a line in a quiet room wearing ball gowns. i snorted a bunch of cocaine and then my entire face went numb and i thought i was going to die but sort of in this offhand way like i wasn’t really concerned about it at all. and then i woke up
i want to be constantly humbled by the people around me
(but as much as i hate myself and i really, really do i also feel enlightened in my self-hatred)
the house is empty it’s nice
it’s sort of pathetic how much i avoid interacting with other people, but i still wish that “they” (i mean everyone but this is also an abstract reference to people that don’t exist but i imagine are worth my time) would interact with me. what i mean is i need validation from other people to make me feel real, it’s sick
i’m trying to be a better person.
that’s a lie but i wish it wasn’t
